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i hate the way it happens. i hate how i end up feeling this way after. i feel like i dun ever wanna do it ever again. i hate hw i feel so used n detached. i hate everything abt it. i resent it.
maybe he doesnt care enough.
i hate the word petty.
i think i wont ve children after all..since they make e inevitable leaving so hard to do

i wanna spend a whole mth w no work no omovies/top of some super tall building/lying on e beach n staring at the sky which will hopefully vbligations too. spend my days at the beach/at a book plc/feeling e wind at some open space n nights at e stars/go c my fav band once every 3 days
basically doing selfish things tat makes me happy. i love e feeling of nt having to pls anyone. crave for it even more right nw.

my stomach is feeling queasy again..dun utd why this always happen after. it has to be smth i cant digest properly?
im afraid of having lucid dreams. i think i hate slping alne. suddenly crave to b held. lyk for a really really really long time till its safe enough to fall aslp. i hope this pass.

i dunno why i feel hurt over such little things.maybe "i shld leave right now before i fall even deeper"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

shall edit when ive sort out my thoughts. fucking feel like screaming. i wanna go south amercia and get lost in the confusion and madness which im hoping they haf. i freaking look thai anyway.being treated like an exotic inferior is aslright i guess.

finally the things ive been dreading all my life are starting to happen. i love them for the roles they played in my life and those moments when we actually spend time tgt.. but somehow living w them puts some kind of a toll on me. i shldnt even feel this way cos of the freedom i ve. but somehow i enjoyed sneaking out that very day 3 yrs back late one night nt cos of the exhilaration but perhaps cos i felt like we were doing smth that a typical family at that point in time would experience(unknowingly in their case). i think this is working out for me in the sense tat i make sure i spend as lil time as possible w em and tuck tat particular memory away in some corner of my mind where it wont be blurred or corroded away w time like hw other memories do..but then again i forget wad i do for my birthdays and they happen only once a yr.
she let me hug her for more than 10mins and somehow i felt saddened by tat cos it also meant tat its a mutual understanding tat we r nt spending enough time tgt but we both understand y it has to be so. in the past ive tried my best to create that happy picture in my mind using my age as an excuse but somehow it didnt work until i started spending time away. and we(i) became happier..theres no problems anymore because they r not here, because i dun ve to c it.
no one understood this sort of logic except him and i didnt even ve to explain. i noe she's worried abt me having someone else in my life instead and those reasons making her worried are starting to affect me.
and so finally the things ive been dreading all my life are starting to happen and im pushing away smth tat would make it all better.
just sticking to plans and gg through w it was nvr me. all the time i wasted in reconsidering y decisions could ve been used to create smth new.

i think in some cases, being petty is nvr an intention or characteristic trait. seems to be a general unconscious feeling in response to being hurt at the very mild level so maybe petty shldnt be e word. why would someone be unaffected when she had interrupted slp/waking up early after an interrupted slp then doing smth she thinks the other party would like only to ve that person say smth tat jus simply dissed tat effort. wasnt even e waiting that caused e moodiness but e thought tat its only ever possible to forget tat someone is waiting when tat person is qns is an unwanted insurance agent.even a txt msg wld be sufficient to buy more time and eliminate e wrath.
i dunno. m i being unreasonable?must i always be reasonable?i feel like being unreasonable and absorbed into this issue at least at this very moment despite other more impt things.fuck this feeling.
such things wld jus spring at me when i thought im over it and least expect em to and put so many variations of doubt in my mind. ve u ever seen someone laugh feebly while saying those 3 words while doing it? its nt a gd feeling.wld rather ve blasted e music n off e lights.
hate mood swings. dunno why they r so frequent nw. i ve a feeling its due to e removal of

if someone cant handle u at ur worst should they deserve u at ur best?

sometimes i jus wish that someone will notice tat im rly not all tat strong as i put myself out to be and jus hold me till im ok again.would agree tat im demanding when it comes to certain things yes but strong no. weird much?
too many of such outbursts recently...maybe im secretly ill in my head?

kinda sprained my two big toes=( my lower back hurts and feels like its breaking from trying to do the front walkover and scorpion..my mind seems to be exploding..
but i love flying kites..esp when it requires a bit of effort to make it fly..somehow its strange how i nvr found kites fascinating till now..theres smth abt the way its able to fly but yet be tied down i guess...dunno...need to get a new one cos someone cut the string of my bee=(

i got into the salsa performance team so m rather excited abt it i guess...thou i ve a feeling it wont take me long to feel bored with it=/

just the way you are is such as nice ttm song...imagine someone writing/singing such stuff and rly meaning it with all of his/her heart..
jus make me feel your love and u'll love me forever despite all the pretty gals in the world and im yours.

absolutely hate the feeling i get when ppl walk away from me. so i will always want to do it first. selfish much?
am really seriously aching for some

I really dont understand why i feel this sense of disappointment.
i choose to always take responsibility for things tat happen because i cant bear the guilt tat comes if i dont. but it got to the point where ppl jus dun rly care abt hw i feel anymore as long as the matter gets settled.
this explains the sense of disappointment. but then again my rights to feeling disappointed are debatable.

i think i dun wan to think anymore.
revealed more than wad was required..
too tired to try too tired to want too tired to think too tired to feel
i choose all the wrong times to want to be selfish.
but then at the same time id nvr want anyone to be unhappy..
cant i jus make u happy w no strings attached


you're walking on a bridge
you come to the end of the bridge
you have to either jump or go back to where u started out from
what would you choose to do if you have the choice?


i noe i need smth...i jus dont know wad it is? or maybe i need too many things, most of which contradicts ea other thus e confusion? and to add to it, the needs of other ppl influences mine..

last night was probably e first time im upset when high..nt a gd feeling at all. confirm nt going to be one to drown her sorrows.
hope it doesnt rain on friday..really wanna just sit at the beach and watch e waves as e sky turns dark again. the only thing tat would make it better would be to haf someone who's able to tell me loads of stories..i love stories tat dun require me to play aunt agony

stupid things make me weirdly happy. an example would be the gal who's plucking her face in front of me hahaha or like a hedonistic friend telling me loads of mindless things..